his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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