I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
