i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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