No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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