Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
