I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
