The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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