So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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