I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
