So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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