my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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