I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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