I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
