There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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