This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
