Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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