I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Randomize
