i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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