Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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