Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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