Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
