BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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