Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Blood and glitter go together right?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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