3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
