my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It's rum buckets o'clock
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
