I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Randomize
