if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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