You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
