lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
