I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
