May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
