My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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