The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Text me some of your sweat
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