Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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