According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
