I cannot find my penis.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Randomize
