even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
