Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
