Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
