he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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