so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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