I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
