Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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