Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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