i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
