He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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