Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
