He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
