also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
