the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
