hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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