the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
