oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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