I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
