Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
