Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
