Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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