there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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